Kenyan matatus are froth with interesting characters, from preachers, thieves, hawkers and so on. Hawkers too are of different categories. While one will sell you a “wonder seed” for a 100 bob yet it’s a regular pumpkin seed, there are those who will make your journey entertaining with their jokes and comedy stints. Here are ten types of hawkers you will find in Kenyan matatus.
He will enter the matatu in a flash, explain what he selling to commuters, and pass around asking for interested buyers. Before you make up your mind whether to purchase the items or not, he has already dashed out to another PSV. For him, he has no time to waste and if there is nobody interested in his products, it is better he takes it to others.
Unlike the two-minute chaps above who enter the PSV and dashes out within a few minutes, this one will board the matatu from CBD to Ruai without any hurry to alight. Throughout the journey, he will be moving and making way for commuters, alighting or boarding, while making persuasions on why you need his products.
He mainly talks big and in impeccable English which is not only grammatically right but also with big vocabularies. In fact, his prowess in the language of the queen is unmatched. He also seems to be a learned guy, and this makes commuters wonder why he is not into broadcasting thing.
He is supposed to be a stand-up comedian but since nyota haijakubali, he somehow found a way into hawking for sustenance. Throughout the journey, he will be breaking people’s ribs with his funny jokes and the comic ways in which he presents his products. This will make the commuters to purchase the products at prices that are way beyond the retailing cost. Others will offer to tip him because of the free entertainment.
He normally likes boasting and talking big on his life in America and Europe and why he is moving out from Runda to Kitusuru. He will tell you how after the marketing exercise, he will head to Serena for lunch and why he prefers to take dinner at Sarova Stanley. However, on a random day, you will bump at him at Nyamakima smashing ugali mandondo.
He has no clue what he is saying. When a customer fields a question over the products they are selling, he will be mumbling incorrigible words or try to avoid the question at all costs. Probably, he was forced into hawking by circumstances; went to that marketing agency in town to seek a sales job which they gave him. However, since he is a novice, he has no understanding of how those immune boasters he is selling work or which disease they cure.
He has been hawking in matatus since the late Mzee Moi was in office and he is still not relenting. Most commuters who have been in town long enough know him by name and even his phone number. That is long time job of which he likes so much.
He moves from one town to another with an intention of concealing his identity. His fear is that the villagers and former classmates at Maseno do not get to know him and discover he is a hawker. Therefore, for many people, he is a stranger who you will not see another time unless by accident in a different town.
He has no tangible product to sell but since he needs to eat, he has to design a strategy of making Kenyans give him money without coercion. As such, he will put pumpking seeds, put them in the small envelop and shout inside the matatus about a wonder seed that cleanses all impurities and cures all diseases. You will end up coughing Sh100 bob for a normal pumpkin seed.
He normally kills two birds with one stone. He will be having someone recording his marketing skills inside the PSV of which he will be posting on his Youtube and Tiktok channels. As he sells products to commuters, he will also be making content for his platforms. [Silas Nyamweya]
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